I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
