There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
