We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize