I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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