I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
