i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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