I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
