Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
