i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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