You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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