he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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