At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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