help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
