I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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