I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
