i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
