dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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