I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
