White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
