i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
