Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
