Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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