why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
