I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
