my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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