my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
