I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize