so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
