I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize