Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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