my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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