OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
