I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
