I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
