I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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