last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
