My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize