She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
