How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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