Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
