I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
