I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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