oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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