It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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