His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
