I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
