I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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