Don't EVER smell your tampon
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
