It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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