I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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