dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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