She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize