You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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