Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
