and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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