I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
