Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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