eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
