Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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