I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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