if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
