Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
